Disappointed…with yourself?

In dismay with yourself? Has there been a recent interaction-professional or personal where on reflection you said to yourself… “that didn’t go well!”…and then spend hours beating yourself?

Recently, I walked away from an interaction with great poise, and once out of sight my shoulders drooped in dismay and an angry voice in my head started badgering-YOU should have done better! YOU should have navigated this better!

Identify with that?!

Happens.. to all of us. In my case, with my long experience in managing uncertain, unexpected situations as a mediator and coach, I did not manage the interaction as well as my skills and exposure equipped me to, and here I was in total disappointment with myself!

Having reflected and explored what had happened, two questions surfaced. The question “why?” - why do we feel shattered when a personal or a professional interaction does not go well?

The second question- now that it has happened, ” what can we do? “

Let’s explore the 'why' first.

The foremost reason is possibly the stakes are high. Emotionally we are massively invested in the outcome. Possibly it is an opportunity we had hoped to have and are not likely to be offered. Could be a life-changing opportunity or a pivotal opportunity-the one that we have been working on for some time and have many more plans resting on the success. I was invested in the outcome of the interaction. It was an opportunity that I had waited for long. In my mind and heart, I was committed to a positive outcome. The more invested we are, the more critical we are of ourselves when the outcome is not what we thought it would be.

It could also be the opportunity presents itself at a time when we are not ready for it. Somewhere deep in our hearts, we know our level of readiness. And, despite not being fully ready or close to ready we take the leap, push ourselves, and go for it.

Or the reason is we are not prepped enough for it. We maximised our prep yet didn’t think through many aspects of what our pitch required and did not know the customer enough.

And then there are times when we have unrealistic expectations of ourselves. We set our own benchmarks high on what we can do..not ready, yet we go with full throttle and confidence..and hope to make up for the lack of capacity, and capability with our determination, confidence, and passion.

Another reason could be the immense focus on what we have to offer, and not what is required. We jump in focused on directing the interaction to a positive outcome in a manner that is pre-planned/ pre-decided. We don’t stop to listen to the cues, do not read the room, or think there may be a requirement for course correction.

We have an optimum ace solution to offer and are in love with our own solution.

Finally, let's not discount factors external to us. The environment, the energies the other parties brought to the interaction- those that were outside our circle of control. Yes, they could have been influenced/managed better, however, could or could not have been entirely removed from the interaction.

Now that it’s happened…what can you do?

1. Be kind to yourself. We are only human. Even if we hold large responsible roles, are owners of large businesses (which many people reaching this blog are), and excel at managing ambiguity…it is okay. Accept how you are feeling, be kind to yourself, and say ‘it is okay'.

2. Ask what can be done to retrieve the situation. Call in a favor, and see if there is the possibility of a do-over. Do not hesitate to eat the humble pie and accept your contribution to the outcome of the interaction. Yes, didn’t go too well, and we didn’t listen well enough....is there a possibility of a follow-up conversation, can we bring to you some new ideas? In personal situations, could we talk this through or reset? Take responsibility and make an effort to retrieve.

3. Not sure what happened or where it went wrong? Or what can be done? Speak to your friends, your mentor & your tribe. Try and get an outside perspective on what happened, your role, and what can be done to retrieve it. Often you will find an outside perspective will help you understand the interaction better.

4. No do-overs? The door is closed? Well, the best thing here is to accept what has happened and let go. Take responsibility, accept how you contributed to the outcome, and let it go. Professional careers are long.. and there will be other meeting points, and opportunities to rebuild trust. Not an easy road...though not tricky either for the determined. And in personal matters, you may have the good fortune of an opportunity to set it right. Let it go.

5. Let it go and learn the lesson. Here is an opportunity to reflect on what went wrong, and take the lesson for future interactions. Slow down, learn the lesson and develop checks and hacks for the future.

Most importantly, understand why you feel the way you feel. The feeling of dismay, of failure, and of letting yourself down. You feel like this because you care. Situations that leave you disappointed in yourself are acid tests..they tell you what really matters to you.

Disappointments with yourself help you clear your heart, mind, and the road ahead. Don't lose the gift of clarity disappointment brings.