Can we talk?

"I Want to Say Something"

"I’d like to talk to you about something."

"I Want to Ask You Something"

"Can we chat for a bit?"

"Can we discuss something?"

How many times have questions like these been posed to you?

Often, these simple inquiries precede something much deeper—a concern, a clarification, feedback, or a request. What follows can lead to a variety of outcomes- a confrontation, an emotional outburst, a heartfelt conversation, or a resolution.

In hindsight, these moments often reveal themselves as crucial conversations, or the prelude to one, where the course of a relationship can be altered.

Over the years, I’ve learned to recognise these questions as a signal the onset of a crucial conversation. I've also learned that when such a question arises, it’s not just a moment to respond—it’s an opportunity. This is a chance to build a stronger relationship, and potentially redefine it's trajectory.

When someone asks me any of these questions, I consider it a privilege. I see these questions as an invitation to address something that matters deeply to them, and I’m genuinely grateful that they chose to talk to me. It means they trust me to listen and, hopefully, to help find a resolution. It also shows that I’m important to them—they value our relationship enough to want to work through whatever’s on their mind rather than walk away.

I remind myself that the person asking the question has probably spent a lot of time thinking about it. They’ve likely considered all the possible outcomes—both the best and the worst—and they’re placing high stakes on how this conversation turns out. This tells me that the discussion is super important to them, and they’re coming into it with the hope of a positive outcome.

Therefore, how I show up for the conversation is crucial. I start with the end in mind. What do I hope to achieve? Even if I don’t know what question or concern is coming next, I focus on one clear goal: the person needs to leave the conversation feeling heard, seen, and appreciated. If we can also find a resolution that works for both of us, that’s a bonus.

For this, here's what I bring to to the conversation,

• Empathy: Recognising that this is a vulnerable moment for the other person. Conversations like these often involve strong emotions and personal stakes. My approach is to engage with care and concern for the other person’s feelings and expressing compassion through words and body language that their feelings are valid and that I am here to listen, not to judge or dismiss.

• Deep listening: Listening with eyes, ears and heart. Listening goes beyond just hearing the words being spoken. It’s about truly understanding the message behind those words. I aim to listen with eyes ( body language and no verbal cues), ears ( listening to the tone) and heart ( Listening to their emotions and perspectives without jumping to conclusions or judgments). This requires me to remain calm and open to whatever is said.

  The aim is listen to understand what's going on and to grasp the nuances which are communicated beyond what is said...i.e. words.

• Absolute respect: It is very likely that we will have different views, experienced the same situation differently or disagree with what is said. The bare minimum here is to show respect for the other person's point of view, avoid cutting them off, making dismissive remarks, or invalidating their feelings

  And accepting that the other person’s views, feelings, or experiences may differ from me. This doesn’t mean one is right and the other is wrong—it simply means we see things differently. Respect lays the foundation for a constructive dialogue, where both parties feel valued and heard.

• Recognising that the conversation is about emotions, how one feels than objective facts. Logic or data might not have a place here, as emotions are at the forefront. When it’s my turn to speak, I present my views as my perspective, not an absolute truth recognising that my viewpoint is just one of many possible interpretations of the situation. By focusing on emotions and acknowledging that different perspectives exist, I can engage in a more empathetic and less confrontational manner.

• Collaborating towards a solution or outcome that works for both- This is not a debate to prove that one solution or even perspective is better. The aim here is to find common ground. This could involve compromising or adjusting my views to align more closely with theirs and being flexible in considering alternative solutions that the other person might propose. The aim is to convert the dialogue into resolution, which can lead to a more satisfying and sustainable outcome.

• There could be times, when I learn through the conversation that I that I have erred. If yes, I strive to offer a genuine apology- apologising sincerely, without qualifications & voiding statements like “I’m sorry if…” or “I apologise but…”, as these can undermine the apology. And taking responsibility by acknowledging the impact of my actions or words. A sincere apology can be a powerful step towards healing and rebuilding trust.

Whilst navigating the above it is important to me that I am authentic, true to myself. It is important to be truthful however honesty doesn’t have to be harsh. One can express their truth with empathy, recognising that how something is said is as important as what is said.

Being true to myself means upholding my values while also respecting the other person’s experience, ensuring that the conversation is both genuine and compassionate.

And finally, leaving the door open. Understanding that the conversation doesn’t end when the discussion concludes. There will likely be follow-up actions, and many more positive interactions will be necessary to fully address the issue. It’s about acknowledging that a wound is still open and will take time to heal.

In the end, I have learnt how we handle any crucial conversation can strengthen the relationship, build trust, and even resolve long-standing issues. It’s an opportunity to foster deeper connections and mutual understanding.

So, when you are next faced with these questions, I would say you see them for what they are—a gateway to meaningful dialogue and the possibility of growth, both for yourself and for the relationship.